Family Frameworks

Trust is an Issue


May 2013


While I was biking in the pace line with at least 25 fellow bikers I was thinking how important trust is in so many areas of our lives.  This particular night I was on the wheel of my sweet husband and I was so relieved. For the past several weeks when I have ridden in the paceline with this particular group it has been a struggle.  There was a lot of yo-yoing, a term we use to describe where we speed up and slow down but don’t keep a steady pace.  This caused a lot of anxiety with several of us older bikers.  We like a nice steady ride, but when there is a lot of yo-yoing there is a lot more work and sometimes someone has a greater tendency to get dropped off the back.   As our leader said we have to trust the person in front enough to stay right on

them.  Right now we have a lot of newer folks and we don’t know them well enough to trust them. Trust takes time and experience.  You have to know that you won’t wreck when you are on their wheel, or that they won’t make a sudden stop and you have to maneuver really quickly.  When I’m on the wheel of my husband I know how he rides, I know I can trust him.  I know he’s looking out for me and will not leave me.

All of this seemed to correlate to marriages and relationships.  My friend, Dr. John Van Epp has put it right there in the RAM

(relationship attachment model) in his book, How to Avoid Marrying a Jerk,  that you have to know someone before you can trust them.  And you have to trust them before you can rely on them.  How wonderful it is to have someone in your life that you know so well that you can trust and rely on them completely.  I am so blessed to have that with my sweet husband.  For twenty-three years we have been going steadily through our journey.   Because I had a relationship before that I could not trust it took a bit longer to be able to trust him completely.  Now, when I think of him during the day, I feel confident that I can picture where he is and what he’s doing when we are not together.  That is a relief for me.  As with biking I trust him so I can relax.  I can use the energy that I would have to use trust him elsewhere, and be more efficient with my emotional energy.  I have peace about our relationship.

One of the things I have learned after twenty-three years wit this man is that he loves me and doesn’t want to purposely hurt me.  So when things go wrong I can say that to myself and see the good in what he’s doing.  I don’t automatically assume that he’s out to get me.  That’s a huge relief!!! It keeps us from fights and we can talk things through much easier when we realize this simple truth.

Shane Adams and expert rider was trying to give me tips the other night about being more efficient

when I’m riding.  He said to trust the person in front of you to stay about 6 inches away from them and slowly ease up and back when riding the paceline.  I got behind him, I stayed 6 inches away, I rode smooth as silk, but then I thought, I’m doing this because I trust him.  I know he knows what he’s doing just as I trust John.  Trust is a huge factor in so many parts of my life.  If trust has been abused in a relationship, that person will tend to have trust issues in many areas of their lives.  I’ve noticed that as my trust with John has become very steady I am more trusting of others to a certain extent.  I trust them till I see them mess up.  Then I keep them at a distance till I can trust them again.  Some I get closer to, but others I never get very close to because I can’t trust them.

Are you trustworthy?  Do you do what you say you’re going to do? Do you walk the walk that you talk?  I hope so.  If not you might find your relationships in trouble.  Hope this is helpful to you.

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