Family Frameworks

Myth #2 – Good Relationships Don’t Take Work

Marriage is Easy?

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Mar 2014

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Retro-happily-ever-afterAnother huge myth is that if two people don’t get along then they shouldn’t be together.  Not necessarily.  Most relationships are not easy.  At first when you are attracted to each other you find it easy to be with.  You might have a lot in common and enjoy talking and being together.   But then life starts happening.  Children come along.  You come out with some different ideas

Most marriages fall apart between the year 5 and 11 of the marriage as was determined by Markman and Stanley.  This was true even when children were not in the mix.  Why w

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ould this be?  Well, if you think about it, around year 2 -3 the newness wears off.  You start realizing as Oprah says, they leave the seat up.  The Oxytocin sharing is not as great.  And many times what was put together in lust does not have what it takes to make the long run.

The myth that it should be easy is definitely a myth!!  I don’t think there is ever a marriage that is easy all the time.  You have two people that come from two backgrounds that have totaly different ideas and different ways of doing things.   I like what Larry Burkett of Crown Financial used to say,  If you are both a like then there is one person in the relationship that’s not needed.    So there will be Happy ever after signdifferences in a healthy marriage.

John and I have many differences.  And to be honest, sometimes I wonder how we have made it this far.  But then I love the saying “Divorce him, NEVER!! But maybe kill him?” It’s life.  Fror twenty-three years now I have tried to have this perfect marriage.  Well, I’m reminded quite often, that it is not perfect.  I do a lot of stuff totally wrong and so does he.  But you know what?  We are committed to the marriage and to each other.

When I went through my divorce twenty-three years ago, I searched to find out what makes for a happy marriage.  It’s not about happy.  I choose to be happy in whatever circumstance I’m ieyechartn .
But it’s commitment to continue to work on myself as well as commitment to the marriage that has seen us through our dark times.

As I said earlier, the highest number of divorces occurs during years 5-11.  I noticed in my own marriage that when we hit year fifteen there was a peace.  It’s like we knew we trusted each other enough to know that we were both committed to the relationship.  We could chill out when we have an argument and live with the differences or we could choose to stay angry.  It was when I realized that the anger wasn’t worth it that I chose to chill and choose my battles.  I could go on from there.  Yes, He still irritates me at times, but there are more things that I love about him than I hate about him.  It’s when I’m getting irritated that I sit down and start  reminding myself of the positives.  I actually write down his positive qualities so I can actually see these in my head, so my heart can do catch up.

romantic-elderly-coupleIf you are at that place, I want to encourage you.  It does get better.  Hang in there.  Work on YOU not worry about him changing.  When we work on ourselves and make us the best we can be we are more attractive to our spouse.  Don’t give up.  Five years from now you will look back and say, “whew, that was nothing!” and you will be happy together.

What do you think?  A bunch of bunk?  Maybe, but not what I’ve found.

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